Hard conversations at work are, well, hard…..but unavoidably necessary.
Whether it’s a conversation around poor performance, misconduct, or even termination there is a risk of conflict. So, as putting our heads in the metaphorical sand isn’t an option, here are 9 Tips to keep in mind before and during your next 'hard conversation.' The list is neither prescriptive nor exhaustive but hopefully, it’s a helpful opportunity to pause for thought and set you up for success.
Step 1: Ditch the assumptions. If you’re embarking upon any conversation, it’s essential you ask yourself "What am I assuming about this situation and how helpful is that?"
Great conversations, even about contentious matters, happen when assumptions are avoided. Starting any dialogue with an open mind helps keep emotions at bay and avoids prematurely shutting the process down. It's possible to make assumptions about any aspect of the situation from what caused the problem, to how an individual will react, down to the desired outcome. Unless explicitly said it's essential to avoid trying to mentally join the dots. Assumptions rarely add anything to a delicate process like a hard conversation so try and avoid them at all costs.
Step 2: Harness emotions. Have you ever reflected upon a conversation and realised your emotions negatively impacted the outcome? Perhaps you still regret an unfortunate and even embarrassing work conversation to this day? Leave unhelpful emotions at the door. Hard conversations, by their very nature, can be emotive but it's important, especially at work, to keep them in check. Empathy and compassion will be a helpful reminder to act with courtesy and respect, but anger, frustration, and impatience have no place in the room. They shut down the ability to listen and could also shut down the conversation. If it feels like you’re being personally attacked, take a breath, and use the steps we'll discuss next to guide the conversation in a more constructive direction.
Step 3: Get to the nub of the matter. If you are unclear about the issue, seek clarification, from the source. Stick your fingers in your ears and hum loudly if anyone else wants to ‘helpfully’ offer up second-hand information or anecdotes.
Step 4: Become a quiz master. Question formation and asking skills can make or break a conversation. Avoid closed questions that will likely only result in ‘yes’ or ‘no’ answers, instead hone your skills in crafting open-ended ones. Sense check the wording first though being mindful to avoid any implication of blame that might elicit defensiveness. “So, you don’t think our company cares about the welfare of women? Why would you think that?” is likely the opposite of helpful. However, “My understanding is you have concerns that the needs of female staff are not being adequately addressed. Your perspective is valued so how would you suggest we start a conversation about this?” could result in a very different outcome.
Step 5: Where do you want to go? We wouldn’t start a work task without first establishing the desired outcome so let’s not cut corners with communication. Any interaction with colleagues has the potential to both enhance relationships or damage them. Together, set out clear objectives of what both parties want to achieve from the conversation. It's important you are both clear on the desired objectives. Make sure this is explicit and check back in with the objectives if the conversation feels like it's heading in an unhelpful direction.
Step 6: Avoid the ‘blame game’. If you need to confront inappropriate behaviour, find a way that doesn’t polarise the situation with blatant blame tactics. That individual likely knows they made a mistake but may not feel ready to admit it. They are vulnerable, perhaps even believe their job is on the line, and they’ll be feeling stressed. To confront anyone in a highly stressed state is to ensure you will not get the best out of them. Give them time to reflect. Perhaps explore areas of strength and outstanding performance and seek ways to enhance that. The outcome should be one where the individual is given the opportunity to take responsibility for the incident and any subsequent remedy, not simply shouldering the blame. One is very positive and offers potential for growth. The other will just feel like an indelible black mark on their record.
Step 7: Be willing and able to listen. Allow sufficient time, and eliminate any possible distractions, to really hear what the individual has to say. This links back to avoiding assumptions. To truly listen is to take on board what the other person has to say and in turn drowns out what we think they are going to say. Before you enter the conversation ask yourself if you are prepared to hear anything and everything this person has to say and are you willing to give them the time to do so?
Step 8: Allow time. If this is to be a meaningful and constructive conversation, adequate time must be allocated. How much time might be hard to gauge. If possible be flexible. If a hard stop is unavoidable communicate this at the very beginning. This will avoid the other party feeling cut off, unheard, and frustrated if the meeting ends before a clear resolution has been reached.
Step 9: Finally, be prepared for a negative reaction. This is not the same as expecting it. It's just about being prepared for the situation to be emotionally charged and challenging. By being prepared, and perhaps following some of the tips above, you will be better placed to steer the conversation towards a helpful, constructive conclusion. If emotions are too highly charged to continue you can calmly ask if it would be helpful to delay the conversation until your colleague is more comfortable. Ask, don’t suggest.
Communication within a business can be a challenge but it's essential to embrace its importance. By developing the skills, confidence, and willingness to tackle any topic, a culture based on mutual respect, individual responsibility, and leadership values with emerge and thrive.
Emma Lockwood is a Leadership Coach and Mentor for Numonde Limited. By working specifically with Leadership Teams to develop cohesion and communication excellence she helps companies enhance organisational culture and optimise performance.
